Hello world. I know I haven’t written in awhile…like a long while. I’m terribly sorry, but also I’m not because life has been hectic and busy.
The title of this blog post really explains it all. I’ve been in the 190’s for the past year and I weighed myself tonight and I’m officially 200 pounds. I’m 5’9 so most people guess my weight at much less…but I feel it. I feel it when I put my pants on I used to love so much. I feel it when my significant other goes to pick me up or cuddle. I feel it in the larger clothes I must buy. I feel it in the fact that I’m currently buying more shoes instead of clothes because I hate trying things on now. I just feel it EVERYWHERE!
Even though my life is chaotic I don’t have an excuse. Most might say I do, since I spend an average of 14 hours away from home every day and sometimes more, but I really just need to get active again. It’s just so difficult to find the motivation. I know that it is good for me to be active and being in shape should be about what you want to do, but it’s not for me. My weight has always been about others, and now it’s about my significant other. There is a direct correlation between the amount of sexual activities and my weight gain, and let me tell you, it’s not a good correlation.
I’m finding it difficult to just not take the easy way out. When I was in high school I had an issue with my weight even though I was perfectly fine, and looking back I looked good! Back then, I ate and drank things that would make my stomach upset so it would be out of my body within 5 minutes of drinking/eating it but I would still be full from whatever it was. I lost a lot of weight that way along with just an average amount of activity per day…but that’s not healthy and I’d like to not go down that path. I don’t have anyone to hold me accountable, but I would like to be healthy about this.
Losing weight is hard, and I mean I eat well enough as it is, but not enough. I rarely eat and I’m constantly stressed out, and for those who don’t know, stress plays a huge role in your life! In mine, it makes me gain weight and not eat at the same time. I know it’s weird, but it happens.
OK, rant over. Losing weight in a healthy way is hard and it’s harder when life is chaotic and full of stress. I’m hoping since school is winding down that I’ll have time for myself. It’s hard when you tell your clients to live full and healthy lifestyles and you can’t even do it yourself. If you have any tips and/or tricks please let me know!
So it’s been awhile, life is happening like it usually is for everyone. My optimism for keeping up with this blog has been lacking and in general I feel as though my motivation to do anything is lacking just the same.
I have been spending time with more friends and family and their significant others who spend quite a bit of time together. I also went to a friend’s wedding (more of a reception since they eloped), where I was able to see some old friends that I haven’t seen in awhile. One of them said to me that I spend too much time with my boyfriend so that is why they never see me, of which I responded that I maybe see my boyfriend 4-10 times a month (10 if I’m lucky). He then responded with the fact that he sees his significant other every weekend. That did not make me feel good in the least and I have been thinking about it ever since.
I am becoming so much more aware of the people in my life and how much time they spend with their loved ones. Like so aware that It’s consuming my day to day life. My boyfriend’s job requires him to live elsewhere when he is working and he chooses to do overtime quite a bit. That then leads me to think that he is choosing to not spend so much time with me. Side note: we are in a very committed relationship that has been going on for years like this and has yet to totally bother me up until now.
I want that glorious relationship where your significant other is actually home to spend time with you, eat dinner with you, go out on dates, and just be there. I’m lucky if I see him 2 times in a week and our schedules never seem to quite line up. I have this vision of eating breakfast in the morning and decompressing from our hectic days at night. Is that too much to ask for? Is my sudden awareness for lack of time in my relationship eating me away?
It’s these constant questions that take up my free time and run me down into a place that makes me jealous and quite frankly, lazy. It is making me not want to be around my friends who have significant others because they spend so much time together, and all I think about is the fact that I wish I had that much time too.
Every relationship is different, I get that, and I chose the one I am in. I love my other half and couldn’t imagine a life without him…I just wish I had more time to spend with just him.
I am currently finding it difficult in my current situation with co-workers at work as well as my fellow social workers in school. At one point towards the end of summer I had left my retail job which gave me the first friends I ever had when I first moved and my currently university, where I attended for my BSW, provided me with a few lifelong friends. Now, It seems opposite, and I’m struggling with the sense of belonging.
My retail job does not have the brightest and kindest of people there and there is one that stands out as someone who promotes negativity. Just the other day she asked me about temptations I have while my significant other is away in which I responded that I don’t have time for that and I would never do such a thing. Other people there are also younger and not as experienced in life as I am, and I find myself judging them in retrospect. I do not feel a connection of friendship with virtually anyone there and cannot see myself spending any time with them outside of work. Which hey, maybe it’s for the best?
My university cohort has also provided a lack of belonging. I do not connect with people the same way I have connected to my other friends I have met through school. I’m not sure if that is in part of a lack of experience in regards to the Social Work field or if it’s because I don’t fit in with the self-made cliques. Because of this I tend to keep to myself and no one seems to willingly sit by me in any of my classes.
At first these things haven’t bothered me, but over the past few months they have. I am finding that I am making those meaningful friendships, connections, and sense of belonging in my Clinical Social Work Practicum setting. I think it is good to feel welcomed at a place you spend so much time at in such an intimate setting, but I also have the need to belong in my school and retail job (at least for the time being). I’m also finding myself spending less time with my good friends that bring me joy, but I have found friendships that exhaust me to my very being that I have chosen to avoid while I can.
Well hello internet world! Little about myself, Logan is an online alias that I have used for years in order to defer those in my life from seeing what I write. So hello, my name is Logan and I am a Social Worker. Currently Logan, BSW but will soon be Logan, MSW in about a year which I am literally counting down the days…366 days to be exact.
What had made me decide to write again, is my realization of being a retail worker once I’m done being a Social Worker. Retail isn’t for everyone and 4 years ago I didn’t think I’d still be a part of it. But here I am! In all it’s yelling, negative, unhappy glory. I realize that maybe someone else is going through something similar to me. Ya know…working your hardest so you can live through school? My days usually start out being a Clinical Social Worker at my internship and then transition right into the retail world with teenagers in high school and those over the age of 18 who have struggled to figure life out to the extent that they would like.
I have found myself struggling with the idea that I am using my time before being a retail worker helping people better their lives. I’m creating treatment plans, doing assessments and therapy, and even helping people get out of their contemplation of suicide. Then, a little while later, I find myself at my retail job dealing with unhappy adults with the already low pricing of clothing items. What a clash it really is between a basic retail profession and one of a Clinical Social Worker.
So, if you’re a little like me, struggling through your 20’s or this thing we call life, Welcome! I hope this can be a place where we laugh, we cry, and we get through tough times together. It might be a little much to ask for a post every day, but hey, school is done this week and I’ll continue through the summer as someone struggling to be a retail worker, an administration worker, and a Clinical Social Worker. So cheers to struggling through my summer! Hopefully you’ll stick around for the ride 🙂